Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

me doing my best

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Ok, but like, how married are you?

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs