[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.