[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
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Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again