Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”