Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!

ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something

*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”