TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
We all have our pet causes.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
not for long
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
the icebreaker
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word