Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Somebody’s lying.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

My dad teaching me to drive

imagine getting destroyed like this

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Netflix: We have Less

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

[at Hooters]

Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being

Waitress: look, it’s my choi-

Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

Okay

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.