Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”