tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
You Might Also Like
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]