tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
You Might Also Like
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.