Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?