Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank