Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies