Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

What about a To-Don’t List?

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

i love modern commerce

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.