Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.