[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
God has abandoned us.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
he looks great for his age
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Cats (2019)
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.