[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
buys donuts instead
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
You are what you delete.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper