TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Another day, another…goddammit
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine