TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
