TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You Might Also Like
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time