TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.