TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
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Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken