TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why donβ
5yo: Iβm going to marry the tv
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
just had a dinosaur that we didnβt make show up at our front gate
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
meow
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Itβs that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women βSo this is why you cancelled our dateβ while theyβre with their significant other.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly βget out of jail freeβ card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallonβ¦
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Simple
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If this doesnβt sum up England nothing will ππ #snow #weather #uk
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that canβt be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….iβm dying
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just donβt have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday