TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
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Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
My patience has stretch marks.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself