Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

A man of commitment.

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job