Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts

Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!