Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

I think this might be relevant today.

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too