Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy

🍛

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

What my back needs

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.