Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

getting groceries

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.

Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.