TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
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Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
🤷♀️
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Weirdos gonna weird.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}