TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
playing pool? you mean swimming?
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
