TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.

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If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.


I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros


*at confessional*

Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’

Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’


ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on


“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center


Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh


me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other

mime teacher: *thumbs up*


I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”