They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Put the is in disheveled
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned