TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.

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I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it


*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”


Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.


[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns


How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?


“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before


I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.


me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus


Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.


Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what