If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
TV Show Pitch: 90 Day Parents, give kids to people without kids who think they have all the answers about raising kids so they can see how wrong they were.
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’
Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”