[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
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[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”