TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.