Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Me: *walking in front of husband at store*

Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”

Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

all bases covered

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

edward fingerhands

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)