TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
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Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
✨☝️✨
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher