Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

your honor my client chooses dare

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*