TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
You Might Also Like
This guy gets it.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
favorite tropes as memes
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle