Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human are so complicated

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

Erm I’m gonna say no

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀