on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.