TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Lmao 😁
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…