Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

my dog when i have a friend over

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.