Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Passed by a old school Math example today.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?

Me: Oh, don’t worry…