‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP