Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

Who’s drunk

*raises leg

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

The Struggle

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Breaking news:

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Ah..makes sense now

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?