‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
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Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
We’ve all been there
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars