‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Strangers have the best candy.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie