‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
We need to put an American base on the sun
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Pringles
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.