‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.