Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.