Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.