‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
But wait…
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.