‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.