@NJFreudian

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town
Not a creature was Tweeting, cause favstar was down.

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@ShaneKnowsStuff

Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.

@RobinMcCauley

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

@_steamy_mac

I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@slimmy_shady

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

@AtticusFinch79

ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right

1. make him chicken soup

2. tuck him in with the remote

3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him

@DavidKrap

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@Reverend_Scott

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

@Darlainky

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.