@ShaneKnowsStuff Wait just a minute! You’re not Jennifer Aniston! Oh, you got me with that avi. Well played. I knew it was to good to be true.
@NJFreudian Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the town
Not a creature was Tweeting, cause favstar was down.
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@ShaneKnowsStuff 
@RobinMcCauley A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
@_steamy_mac I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you’re interested in a pretty amazing hug.
@Reverend_Scott [running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
@slimmy_shady Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
@AtticusFinch79 ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
@DavidKrap Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll.
@Reverend_Scott Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
@Darlainky There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.