Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Julian_Deane

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”

@MisterRots

If I ever become a ghost, no way I’m haunting some abandoned building. I’m finding the nearest lingerie store and setting up shop there

@TheWriteStuff2u

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

@ReelQuinn

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

@alive_and_dying

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

@fro_vo

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

@mrjohndarby

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.

@TheBoydP

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”