Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
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I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
🙅🏻
