Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

let’s discuss

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…

Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Guys, I found it.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

good for her

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul