Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Tough love is true love

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.