Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Meow?

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️