Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
love it when they get my name right
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.