Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁

When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.