Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
You Might Also Like
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time