Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”