Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.