Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broom by every window for quick escape.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it