Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.