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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
If a snake ate a cake
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away