Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

as the prophecy foretold

Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

ㅤ

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.