Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]