Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Finally, a door that understands me
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.