Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
You Might Also Like
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I think the cat got the dog high.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.