Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT
–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste