Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right