Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
San Francisco has too many rules
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
sleeping beauty
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Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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