Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine