Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Well well well…

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

[standing at urinal]

me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one